Supporting John Mulaney’s sobriety: The funniest John Mulaney quotes

John Mulaney is a phenomenal comedian. He’s captured the love of practically all millennials and a good portion of gen z to boot. His comedic timing is impeccable, his stories are outlandish yet relatable, and not to be weird, but he’s rather handsome in that 1950s actor kind of way.

So, it’s with a heavy heart we must report that John Mulaney has had to check into rehab. We’re proud of him for seeking the help he needs, but we’re also incredibly sorry to hear his addictions to alcohol & cocaine have reared their heads again.

In an effort to not turn this into a tabloid piece, but also show Mulaney our support – though he likely won’t read this – we’re going to celebrate his work so far by reminding all of you about some of his best stand-up quotes to-date.

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, please contact the SAMHSA substance abuse helpline at 1-800-662-HELP.

Terrible driver

Even the best of drivers do something really idiotic on the road every now and again, which is what makes Mulaney’s very specific story about himself feel like something we’ve all done. Or at the very least we know we’ve seen someone else do something just as awful.

We can assure you that we have on more than one occasion used quotes from this clip – especially “I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing”.

About college

College is expensive, it’s a pain anyone can relate to – either you feel like you overpaid for a piece of paper or you chose not to go to college because you couldn’t afford it. (Or maybe you were smart enough without that piece of paper to realize it was perhaps a tad overpriced.)

Mulaney’s impassioned bit about college not only being ridiculously expensive, but also having the audacity to ask alumni for donations is a far more comical version of a rant all ex-college students have gone on at some point.

“I gave you more money than the civil war cost and you f*cking spent it already?!”

A miracle or not

This clip is all gold, but our personal favorite part is the wheelchair bit. Even if you don’t live in New York you have moments where you’ll see something in real life and think “something happened here, you hope it was a miracle, but probably not”.

It could be the sudden disappearance of rabbit prints in a snowy field or like in Mulaney’s case a wheelchair on a sidewalk – the sentiment is the same.

The wheelchair bit isn’t one of his most repeated quotes, but we have on more than one occasion had it run through our minds.

On marriage

John Mulaney & his wife’s marriage has been lauded by the internet as couple goals for years now. This clip was one of the many bits used as “proof” that the two had a great marriage.

We love Mulaney’s indignity that he’d say bad things about his wife on stage – he acts as if that’s a crazy thing to do, when in fact, many stand-up comedians do just that.

Mulaney’s take on SVU

John Mulaney has a soft spot in his heart for SVU: Special Victims Unit. It’s no surprise then that he has an entire bit about the more hilarious aspects of the show that one might not notice at first since the premise is rather serious.

This bit might not be as quotable for people who aren’t SVU super-fans, but it’s still a hilarious video to watch no matter what.