Endure the holidays with the best jokes from dark humor comedians
The holiday season cannot go forth without digging up some of the darkest festive jokes from our favorite comedians. Over the years comedians have provided us with quick one-liners and terrible stories to feed our dark Christmas souls. Luckily these witty comedians have helped us remember all the good, the bad, and the ugly holiday moments.
One Liners
Phyllis Diller
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day”.
Jerry Seinfeld
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me”.
Richard Lewis
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.”
Johnny Carson
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Joan Rivers
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband”.
George Carlin
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”.
Ricky Gervais
“1st of December, World Aids Day . . . I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.”
Christmas Stories
Louis C.K
“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”
Jon Stewart
“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s’. I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”
Jay Leno
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Laura Kightlinger
“My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. ‘Cause I’m plagued with the thought of, you know what she would have given me. What didn’t I get to open this year?”
Anthony Jeselnik
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”
Steven Wright
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
Lewis Black
“When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there’s no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It’s a Back-to-School holiday”.
Bad Questions
Catherine Tate
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer”.
Jim Gaffigan
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with many sandals. What am I, German?’”
Tom Wrigglesworth
“Why did the atheist cross the road? So he could see both sides.”
Steve Pemberton
“Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa”.
James Corden
“What is Tiger Woods’ wife getting for Christmas? Half of everything”.
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It wouldn’t be 2020 without the darkest jokes for the happiest time of the year. These crazy jokes might make or break our holiday season. However, we all need a good laugh and there will be plenty more to come. Have a good laugh and happy holidays!
