Florida Man’s year in review: The strangest headlines from 2020
It’s amazing how, in 2020, Florida kept on being Florida. No matter hurricane, pandemic, or murder hornets, the Sunshine State kept pumping out Florida Man stories for the internet to look on in horror. Or laugh. It really depends on the situation, all things considered. In 2020, it tends to fall more on the horror end of the spectrum than anything else.
But what are the strange Florida man headlines of 2020? What are the stories so wild, whacky, and weird that you can only shake your head and go “Florida”? Given that the love for the weirdest Florida man headlines out there remains strong, here are some of the whackiest ones that we’ve come across over the past year. These five headlines are sure to make you laugh.
Or, you know, shake your head and go “Florida”.
“Run, Fatass, run!”
This Florida Man story is a tale as old as time. Or, well, at least as old tractors. Two Florida men get into a disagreement. One, the true Florida Man, decides enough is enough and gets on his tractor. He then chases down his neighbor on said tractor, screaming “Run, Fatass, run!” because life has gone into a strange Forrest Gump parody at this point in time.
72-year-old Howell Lamar Morris clearly needs to learn that when you get angry with your neighbor, passive aggressively have your dog poop in their yard without picking it up. Don’t chase after them with a riding mower, dude.
Life ban from Disney
The happiest place on earth is no longer welcoming Florida Man, Richard McGuire. Why? When the Walt Disney World park closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, McGuire decided to quarantine there instead. He went to the defunct Discovery Island, which has long been closed but remains popular with urban explorers. Unfortunately, security personnel spotted him.
One manhunt later? McGuire was arrested. He also has a lifetime ban from all Disney properties.
Don’t call 9-1-1 for food
9-1-1 workers have been going double time during 2020 because, well, 2020. While butt dials and misuse of the 9-1-1 system is depressingly common, you really shouldn’t call 9-1-1 over the lack of chicken nuggets at your local McDonald’s. Apparently, this lesson that you all should have learned by age five has yet to escape this Florida Man, Michale James Gables, who treated it like GrubHub.
9-1-1, as many of you may be aware, is not GrubHub. Gables told 9-1-1 that he had an emergency. When the police showed up, he gave them 20 bucks and asked them to pick up booze. The next day, he called 9-1-1 again and asked police to go get some ice cream from his fridge. Rather than doing that, Gables was arrested for misuse of the 9-1-1 system.
Remember to say “thank you”
Not to be Miss Manners up in here, but when someone holds the door open for you, at least acknowledge them. It takes two-seconds to say “Thanks” or even grunt. One Florida man held the door open to a liquor store for another Florida man, and when he didn’t say thank you? Oh boy, that’s when things really devolved. Like we’re going back to the Stone Age devolution.
There was a verbal altercation. When that escalated, the two Florida men just went absolutely at it. Think those playground fights between siblings that you would see and then throw a liquor store in for funsies. The door holder, however, disappeared before police arrived on scene.
Florida Judge begs lawyers to get dressed for Zoom hearings
For those of us that are lucky enough to work from home during the pandemic, it’s truly glorious to be able to be business on top and pajama party realness on the bottom. You just have to frame yourself just right for those Zoom calls. Apparently, however, some Florida lawyers needed to be reminded that when defending the Florida Man? They need to be dressed appropriately for court.
